Welcome to the Bermuda Triangle: Holiday Season Edition 1 – where good intentions and new commitments come to die.
If you’re doing things differently at your traditional holiday gatherings this year 2you may find yourself the object of some 3 scrutiny. Here’s a handy list of things to say at the holiday table to take the focus off your, perhaps unpopular, choices:
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“I’ve sworn off the holidays. They’re a ridiculous exercise in material excess and normalized gluttony aimed at suckers, but I had the munchies. Pass the green beans!”
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“How come you guys never invite my cat?”
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“That Cardi B sure seems like a nice lady.”
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At the first pause in conversation, begin “This one time, at band camp…”
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“Does anyone else feel itchy?”
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Just before the main dish is carved, lean forward and whisper, “Gently.”
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“Hey, at least I’m not naked!”
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During grace, 4start humming “What Does the Fox Say”
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When Uncle Al instructs you to pull his finger, ask “Is that what you’re calling it now?”
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At the second pause in conversation, ask the person across from you, “Truth or dare?”
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“Before dessert, would you mind helping me with my birth re-enactment?”
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“Ever think about shoving a loaf of buttered bread up your butt to see what a stuffed turkey feels like?”
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“Y’know what I’m really thankful for? Therapy.”
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“Can you smoke tryptophan?”
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“At-home funerals are all the rage these days. How much weight do you think this table can hold?”
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“Before we eat, can we please take a moment to acknowledge that our relationships with each other are complex and often dysfunctional, and that this gathering is largely a farce aimed at encouraging civility and upholding obligatory traditions among people who would likely never speak if they weren’t related by blood? But seriously – I love you guys!”
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“And to think – by this time tomorrow all this will be poop!”
If you like lists, you probably like flowcharts.
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Notes:
- Thanksgiving – Christmas/Hanukkah/Solstice/Kwanzaa/Festivus – New Years’. ↩
- Not eating sugar, not eating starch, not eating grain, not drinking alcohol, not eating gluten, not eating meat, not eating dairy, not eating soy, not eating to excess, eating as much as you want, recently divorced, etc. ↩
- Perhaps well-meaning. Perhaps not. Perhaps subtle. Perhaps not. ↩
- or the Blessings, or the Yule Devotionals, or the reading of the Seven Principles, or the Airing of Grievances ↩